I'm having a really hard time with karate lately. I haven't lost my motivation or anything like that. I still want to go to class, and I want to do well. I'm just --I don't know.
Sensei has noticed. When I walked into Black Belt class tonight, he asked me what was wrong because he said I seemed a bit down. I told him I was tired, which is true, but there is more to it than that. It's more than just a physical fatigue. It's a mental and emotional fatigue as well.
I hear other people talk about working out two to three hours a day outside of class time, and I wonder how they do it. I almost never practice at home any more. I want to. I have good intentions. I tell myself that I'm going to go over all my kata once a day. But I never do. When I get home in the evenings, all I want to do is sit. And once I get sat down, I don't want to get back up again. I usually end up doing nothing.
When I go to class, I always feel that I don't measure up. That I'm not good enough. I hate working out in front of people I don't know. I always feel like they are looking at me and wondering how in the world I ended up with a black belt.
Sensei says Mr. Eiffling is coming from Greenville tomorrow night, and we are having a sparring class. Sparring is my biggest weakness.
I'm considering staying home.
6 comments:
Be encouraged! We all go through different ups and downs. Work to make things like you want them.
I've had the "general malaise" before, too. In fact, I feel one coming on myself. It's true they don't last forever, but dang if it doesn't suck at the time. All the advice in the world won't help; it's one of these crappy things we have to do on our own.
Wow, I'm just a huge upper, aren't I? Hang in there, girl -- we love you!!! (in a totally platonic blog-buddy way) Hee!
Lou thank you for the encouragement.
Sus, actually that was just what I needed to hear. While I know that this too shall pass, life just bites right now. Sigh...Thanks for the comiseration.
Omigosh, are we twins or something? I've felt like that a lot lately, as you know. Writing this while on vacation, and to be honest, I still feel it even though I am a taking a slight break from "real" life (but not much-- just change of location, and less cooking and cleaning involved for the moment). I call it burnout. Maybe you just need to take a break. Your brain and body may be trying to tell you something. (See John Vesia's current article while you are at it-- somewhat related.) And btw, it doesn't matter if you measure up or not. That's nobody else's business but YOURS. You have to do as well as YOU are able or can do, nobody else. Don't forget that.
Thanks Dani. I don't want to take a complete break, but I did stay home Tuesday night. Vacations--mmm those are something I can only dream about. Can't afford a real life one.
I'm sorry to hear about this dip in your path. It can happen at anytime in any vocation. I enjoy being a mother, but there are many days where I wake up thinking how nice it would be not to have the responsibilities of taking care of children today.
When it comes to karate, I had to find the inner reason why I chose to do this activity. Why is it that I wanted to do basics, and kata, and such? Was it because it is good for my health? Was it because I wanted to learn self defense? etc. etc.
For me, the answer was that I enjoyed kata. I LOVED the feeling of a good centered performance of kata where each movement had it's own reason for existing, and time stood still as I performed it. I would finish a kata with the feeling of satisfaction regardless to how imperfect it was compared to all of the other performances that I've seen. It was MY kata, and I had done it as best as it could be done in that moment in time.
I would encourage you to look at the main seed of why you do what you do in Martial arts, and what brings a good feeling inside you. Please do not judge yourself by the eyes of others that you feel are looking at you, and wondering how you ended up in a black belt.. there are far too many sour faces out there to count who see only the worst. I would offer the thought of seeing the potential of the good within you, of enjoying what you have achieved, and the hopes of reaching for more in the future. Look at your weaknesses with the same calm eyes as you look at your strengths.. they are both opportunities to improve yourself.
Big hugs to you.
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