Dear Coworker

 If you claim that you can't find the brazing jig you need, but I walk over and find it within literally 5 seconds, all that tells me is that you didn't really look. 

The irony is that you are the main one who never puts jigs back where they belong -- if you put them back at all. 

So maybe next time, put the jig back.  And put it back in the right place, or don't stand there and whine that you can't find it. 

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

 Why? 

Why do you have to keep ripping the soap dispensers off the walls?  Why?  

They are motion sensor at that, so there is no reason at all to even touch them, so why are you ripping them off the walls?  Do you realize this was the last one left?  What do you think will happen now?  

Get used to rinsing your hands, because there won't be any soap in there for you to use. 

While we're on the subject, why get all these seat covers just to hang them on the stall door?  

If you aren't going to use them, why even get them out of the box?  Leave them for someone else. 

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

Dear Coworker,

If you knew the parts were wrong when you made them, then why on earth didn't you re-do them?  Why send them to the brazer anyway?  

Next time, do them over.  It'll take you all of two seconds. 

Thank you,

That is all

*Image courtesy of ChatGPT

Dear Coworker

 Yes, my hand touched yours, but I can assure you it was accidental incidental contact as we both reached for the door handle at the same time. 

I was not agreeing to marry you, so there is no need to get so excited. Calm down there, buddy. It ain’t happening.

Thank you 

That is all

Dear Place Of Employment

Ten hours of my life a day is enough.

I’m not giving you any more.

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Place Of Employment

If the machine operators in tubing "don't have time" to do their jobs, then what in the name of all that is holy makes you think the brazers have time to do their jobs and ours?   You keep piling more and more of what should be tubing's job onto our shoulders, and yet you can't seem to figure out why our production keeps dropping.  

What did you think would happen?  

Fix the problem and you fix the plant. 

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

More specifically, Dear Creepy Weirdo,

Don't think for one minute I don't see you leering at me every time you walk by.  Let me save you some time.  

Just give up already. 

Just give up.  You don't have a chance, not even a miniscule one, because I'm telling you right now, you can't handle this.

I'm not talking about my aging body.  No, what you can't handle is what goes on inside my head. 

Oh?  You disagree?  OK, then, here is your task.  

Write a thesis detailing the role Richard III played in the establishment of The United States Of America. 

No, no, no, no, no, wait.  I changed my mind.  Let's go with Henry VIII.  I mean, all Richard III did was die at the battle of Bosworth in 1485, losing the throne to Henry Tudor.  Henry VIII was much more involved, so let's focus on his role instead.

I'll leave the length of your paper up to you, but it should be well thought out and thoroughly researched.  Also, I want this paper sourced and referenced, but I want you to write about your own ideas, and not just give me something you've copied and pasted from the internet.  Finally, be prepared to defend your conclusions in oral arguments in front of a panel of ...one history geek.

That would be me. 

Oh, and you must use correct spelling and grammar.  

Once you've done all that, you still won't have a chance, but at least you'll know what it is you're trying to deal with. You see, these are the kinds of things I do for fun.  It's how I keep my mind occupied while working at my no-brainer job.  Sometimes, I even do it in French. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, The Bard is calling and I must go.  That's Shakespeare, by the way.  You know, just in case you didn't know... 

So, leave me alone.  Seriously. 

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

 If the stall door is standing wide open, and the stall is obviously empty, there is no need to bend over and see if you see feet.  There won't be any, because there is no one in there. 

Furthermore, there is also no need to stand there and knock on the wide open door of an empty stall.  No one is going to answer, because there is no one in there. 

While we're on the subject, don't flush brown paper towels.  All they do is clog up the toilets. 

Seriously. 

Thank you. 

That is all.

Dear Place Of Employment

Because you don't seem to realize it, let me clue you into a little something. An inch is a standardized unit of measure. 

It does not lengthen or shorten depending on which machine you use to cut a part. 

By the same token, a degree is also a standardized unit of measure.  

It does not change depending upon which machine you bend the part on.   

Therefore, if you truly are making your parts to the specifications on the blueprint, it shouldn't matter which machine you make them on, and it should matter even less that you make parts for the same assembly on different machines. 

That means if we put the parts into a brazing jig and one is half an inch longer than the other five, you did something wrong.  That's not "just the way it is”, and it is not because you "mixed machines."  If you do them right, they'll be right. 

No matter which machine you use. 

Perhaps it's you who should be getting your act together. 

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

A few weeks ago, my pastor told a story about his mother, who has been a widow for 20 something years.  She said she'd kept an old pair of her late husband's draws, and when she started thinking she might want to get married again, she'd take those draws out and throw them into the floor and leave them there.  After about 4 days of walking around those draws in the floor, she'd gotten over it.  The whole ide of getting married again, I mean. 

That being said, thank you for reminding me day

after day, 

after day,

after day 

after day, 

after day, 

after day

after day, 

why I chose not to ever get married again.  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to once again clean up your mess off of my station so I can start my work day.  

Thank you.

That is all.  

Dear Coworker

 If you mark an order complete and put it on the line, then you have no business taking attitude with me when I point out that some of the parts aren’t in the bin.

Furthermore, don’t you ever, ever, ever go find the parts then throw them at me like you did. I could have gotten you fired for that. 

Next time, I might not be so forgiving.

Thank you.

That is all.

Dear Coworker

I'm sitting here -- just sitting here -- pondering the irony of you telling someone else to act her age by doing a very childish thing, like writing on the rest room wall. 

As if once weren't enough, you had to do it again.  

Maybe you're the one who needs to act "yo" age.  

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

 You saw me walking through the department handing our calendars to everyone.

Everyone.

There was really no need for you to charge across the plant and snatch one out of my hand while screaming “Give me that!” into my face.

I wasn’t just going to give a calendar to everyone else while walking past you like you weren’t even there. I was going to give you one.  Honest and for true.

Seriously, if you’re that convinced the whole world is out to get you, you need professional help.

Seriously.

Thank you.

That is all.

Dear Place Of Employment

If that half a minute is going to make that much of a difference, then you've got bigger problems than employees lining up at the clock 30 seconds before the end of shift buzzer goes off. 

Much bigger problems.  

How's about focusing on solving those instead of being pedantic of minutia?  

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

No, as a matter of fact, I can not hear what the person making the announcement over the loudspeaker is saying.  All I can hear is you screaming, 

 I can't hear!  What's she saying?

So, perhaps if you would 

SHUT UP

and listen, maybe we could all hear 

what she's saying.

Thank you

That is all

Dear Coworker

If the oncoming car is literally half a mile up the road, you have time to go. 

Seriously.  You have time...

So, go!  Now!  Go!    

Go!

Now!  

Go!  

GOOOOOO!

Finally!  Great job!  

Now use that pedal on the right...Oh, come on!  I can walk home faster than this!

Sigh....

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

 If you're going to wear a sweater -- a sweater -- to work

In Mississippi...

In June...

While we're under a heat dome...

Then I don't want to hear you complain about being hot. 

Seriously.  

Not. One. Word. 

Because you aren't getting any sympathy from me. 

Not one word of it. 

Thank you,

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

 It doesn't matter one whit what that little survey says.  Take it from someone who's been there done that. 

You. Will. NOT. Get. Saturdays. Off.

Full stop.

End of story. 

You will not get Saturdays off, no matter how many hours you stretch our weekdays to.  Remember, we've already done this.  What happened then?  

Yeah, we worked Saturdays.  All of them.  And we were exhausted.  Even more so than we are now. 

So, think before you check that box.

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

 If you know you have half of a large order, then surely you must also know someone else out there has the other half. 

Right?  Right!

So, if you have bunches and bunches of extra parts left over after you've finished your half of the order, how about checking with the other brazer before throwing them into the scrap.  

You know, just in case the person doing the other half of that order might happen to need them.

Thank you.

That is all. 

Dear Coworker

Why yes, as a matter of fact, we do know who your daddy is.

And we do know who your uncle is. 

What we're not quite sure of is why you are playing the nepotism card like you think it'll help your case.

Because we do know who your daddy and your uncle are, and that's all the more reason to dislike you. 

You might want to re-think that strategy.

Thank you.

That is all.