The question often arises: is it ok to date someone in the dojo?
It is a topic that is often discussed on martial arts message boards and groups, often leading to bitter arguments and flame wars. The answers are as varied as the people who respond. They run the gamut from No way! Never! Absolutely not! to Sure. Go for it!
I say yes, it is ok to date someone in the dojo, as long as you are not dating in the dojo. In other words, practice discretion. Now, I don't mean that you have to pretend that nothing is going on, or act like you don't even know each other. What I mean is that it is inappropriate to publicly display affection in the dojo--i.e. kissing, groping, spending half the class draped over each other. No. The dojo isn't the place for that. And certainly never engage in any sort of sexual behavior on dojo property.
As long as you use common sense, and behave in a mature fashion, I don't see a problem with two dojo mates dating each other.
Is there ever a time when it is inappropriate for two people from the same dojo to date? Yes. It is inadvisable for an instructor to date a student. If an instructor does choose to date a student, there are risks involved, and they can be serious.
The first risk you face is losing a student. If you choose to date a student, and you break up, will you still be able to teach that student objectively? What if it is a nasty break up with hard feelings all around? Can you still teach that student? As a student, can you train under an instructor you hate? Are you willing to give up your martial arts or move to another dojo if this happens?
There is also the risk of being accused of showing favoritism. As in, "She's only getting promoted because she's sleeping with the sensei." Or "Sensei is taking it easy on him just because he's her boyfriend." That kind of stuff. Is that a chance you are willing to take? Remember, this kind of talk hurts the student as well. To be told that sensei is only promoting you because you are in a dating relationship negates all your hard work and training.
But the accusations can be much more serious. Case in point, I know of an instance in which an instructor (male) and a student (female), both adults, by mutual assent entered into a sexual relationship. Whether there was more to it than that, I don't know. However, I have it on good authority that the lady knew what she was doing, and she wanted it as much as the instructor did. Unfortunately, for reasons unknown to me, things turned sour and the relationship soon ended.
The next thing he knew, this instructor was being accused of representing the dark side of karate--of abusing students, molesting this woman, and using his power to take advantage of her. Basically of raping her. His reputation, and that of his dojo, took a serious blow because of this. That incident happened years ago, and in some circles, this instructor is still seen as a manipulative predator. All because of this one ill begotten fling with a student.
Is it worth the risk? I think not.
4 comments:
The local karate school here is run by a guy who is a known womanizer - had numerous affairs, wife finally divorced him, etc. Two of my art students recently started karate with him. I warned them that he is not a man of integrity. But then, those kind of people are everywhere - in all work and play places.
There's an ol' military saying that I first heard uttered by my Dad: "You don't (poop) in your mess kit." Applies here and in a lot of other situations, too...like the workplace.
Lou, it's true that there are people everywhere who lack integrity. However, in my personal dealings with the instructor I mentioned, I never got the impression that he was a womanizer. He was single, she was single, and both were adults. He's never treated me with anything other than courtesy and respect. He made a bad decision, but I wouldn't class him as a lech because of it.
Buck I've heard that saying as well. This was definitely a poor judgement call.
Excellent post, Becky. It's the same as dating in the office. Or with a fellow classmate.
On a similar note, I'm working on an instructor code of conduct. It's a guideline for the role of instructors. I've posted a link there to this post.
TMAC Forum: Instructor Code of Conduct
Colin
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