Dating in the Dojo

The question often arises: is it ok to date someone in the dojo?

It is a topic that is often discussed on martial arts message boards and groups, often leading to bitter arguments and flame wars. The answers are as varied as the people who respond. They run the gamut from No way! Never! Absolutely not! to Sure. Go for it!

I say yes, it is ok to date someone in the dojo, as long as you are not dating in the dojo. In other words, practice discretion. Now, I don't mean that you have to pretend that nothing is going on, or act like you don't even know each other. What I mean is that it is inappropriate to publicly display affection in the dojo--i.e. kissing, groping, spending half the class draped over each other. No. The dojo isn't the place for that. And certainly never engage in any sort of sexual behavior on dojo property.

As long as you use common sense, and behave in a mature fashion, I don't see a problem with two dojo mates dating each other.

Is there ever a time when it is inappropriate for two people from the same dojo to date? Yes. It is inadvisable for an instructor to date a student. If an instructor does choose to date a student, there are risks involved, and they can be serious.

The first risk you face is losing a student. If you choose to date a student, and you break up, will you still be able to teach that student objectively? What if it is a nasty break up with hard feelings all around? Can you still teach that student? As a student, can you train under an instructor you hate? Are you willing to give up your martial arts or move to another dojo if this happens?

There is also the risk of being accused of showing favoritism. As in, "She's only getting promoted because she's sleeping with the sensei." Or "Sensei is taking it easy on him just because he's her boyfriend." That kind of stuff. Is that a chance you are willing to take? Remember, this kind of talk hurts the student as well. To be told that sensei is only promoting you because you are in a dating relationship negates all your hard work and training.

But the accusations can be much more serious. Case in point, I know of an instance in which an instructor (male) and a student (female), both adults, by mutual assent entered into a sexual relationship. Whether there was more to it than that, I don't know. However, I have it on good authority that the lady knew what she was doing, and she wanted it as much as the instructor did. Unfortunately, for reasons unknown to me, things turned sour and the relationship soon ended.

The next thing he knew, this instructor was being accused of representing the dark side of karate--of abusing students, molesting this woman, and using his power to take advantage of her. Basically of raping her. His reputation, and that of his dojo, took a serious blow because of this. That incident happened years ago, and in some circles, this instructor is still seen as a manipulative predator. All because of this one ill begotten fling with a student.

Is it worth the risk? I think not.