Words of Wisdom For The Ladies

*If you have small children reading over your shoulder, you might want to save this for later.  Nothing vulgar, just blunt. 

1. He will not leave her for you. If he were going to leave her, he'd have done it already. Vague promises of a future together (“Someday when the time is right...” “If I could only figure out how to get her off my life insurance...” “After the baby comes...”) are just lies meant to keep you in his bed, but not in his life.
   
   
2. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. Don't think for one moment that if he is going to cheat on the one he promised to spend the rest of his life with that he will be faithful to you.
    
3. If you are the other woman, do not delude yourself into believing that you are the only one. More than likely, you are just one of many “other women” in his life.  Why would you think he's going to be faithful to you, when he isn't being faithful to the one he vowed to "keep only unto her."
    
4. If you do manage to get him to leave his wife for you, don't be surprised when he leaves you for someone else. All that flirting he was doing with you, all those vague promises, yeah, you can bet he's out there flirting with someone else – making her the same vague promises he'd made to you.  And, just like with you, one day he will act on them.
   
   
5. Why would you even want to be with a man you already know is willing to cheat on you? It will not be different with you. There is nothing magical or special about you that will miraculously make a cheater suddenly become a man of integrity. Again, if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. 
    
6. He does not love you. If he loved you, he would respect you, and if he respected you, he wouldn't be asking you to be his whore. Your only value to him is in what lies between your legs. 
    
7. You aren't fooling anyone thinking you are keeping it a secret. Everyone knows; even his wife most likely knows.  She may not say anything, but that's just because she is in denial, thinking that this couldn't be happening to her.  But she knows. 
   
   
8. Any friend who tries to fix you up with a married man is no friend. Period.
   
   
9. If he has children who are older than you are, you are nothing more than a midlife crisis. Your sole purpose is to stoke his ego, and make him feel more manly. He doesn't care about you. If he did, he wouldn't be asking you to disrespect yourself by being some married man's whore.
   
   
10. Finally, you deserve better. You deserve a man who thinks you are the reason the sun comes up in his world every morning. You deserve better than to be the whore, or the backup plan, or the one he settles for because he can't have the one he really wants. Don't ever settle for a man who settles for you.

Reflections On Valentine's Day

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. 

It's a day we celebrate love and relationships.  For many single people, though, it's a day that can drive a spear through the heart.

I am not bitter about Valentine's Day, I'm really not.  But some years it hits me harder than others.  It seems the older I get, the longer I'm alone, the less chance I have of finding love.  The older I get, the harder it gets to watch others in love, and I wonder if I'll ever find someone.  

I know it's largely my own fault that I'm not married.  The men are there.  They are asking.  I had a man beg me for ten years to marry him.  Ten years.  A decade. 

He finally asked me what he needed to change about himself to make me love him. 

I was glad we were chatting on instant messenger, because it gave me time to compose a truthful, yet not hurtful, answer to give him.  I finally told him that he couldn't change himself to please someone else.  He would be living a lie and the stress of maintaining that lie would cause him to resent me and eventually come to hate me.  He had to be himself, and he had to find someone who could love him just as he is.  He seemed satisfied with that answer, and I believe he has finally found someone with whom he could be happy. 

There are a couple of others at work who still remind me from time to time that they would like to pursue something other than friendship.  And I won't even mention all the married men who want me to be their little something on the side-- mainly because they aren't worth mentioning. 

The point is, it's not the men.  They are there.  It's just that I haven't found one yet who could touch my heart, much less capture it. 

Dr. James Dobson is credited with the saying:   You don't marry the one you think you can live with.  You marry the one you think you can't live without.

That was the mistake I made the first time.  I chose to marry the first man that came along that I thought I could stand to be around.  I didn't love him, and I knew it.  It wouldn't last, and I knew that, too.  I remember sitting in the bride's room the day of my wedding thinking, "What am I doing?  I don't want to marry this guy."  But I went through with it.  We'd spent so much money on the wedding, and people had driven so far...and I was pregnant.  So I went through with it. We all know that turned out.
  
I won't make that mistake again. 


I'll be content to wait until the one I can't live without comes along.  And if he never does, then I'll be content to be within God's will for my life.  I'm not saying there won't be difficult days. I'm not saying there won't be times I long for someone to take care of me.  I'm sure there will. 

But those moments will be few, and enduring them will be so much better than enduring a lifetime with the wrong man. 

Dear Married Man

I am very flattered by your attention to me, but here's the deal, if you really love me as much as you say you do, the first thing is...

Well, the first thing is, you shouldn't be loving me at all.  You should be loving your wife.  You did love her once, you know.  You loved her enough to marry her.  You loved her enough to commit the rest of your life to her.  She is still the same person you married, so you should be doing whatever it takes to make your marriage a strong and healthy one.  Yes, this may mean you have to change a few things.  It may mean that it's no longer all about you.  But this is what you need to do.

Secondly, if you really love me as much as you say you do, then you would treat me with dignity and respect.  If you really love me as much as you say you do, then you would care about my reputation, my honor, and my integrity. 

If you really love me as much as you say you do, then you wouldn't be trying to make me the ho. 

That's not love.  That's selfishness.

So, go home to your wife and work things out.

Thank you.

That is all. 

My Personals Ad Redux

You know, I been thinkin'...

Yes, I know that sentence is not grammatically correct.  I was typing in vernacular.

Anyway, I've been thinking.

I've decided that if I ever get married again, I want my ceremony conducted in either Klingon, Sindarin, or The Black Speech Of Mordor.

I've gotten some objections to including The Black Speech of Mordor.  No, you should have it in Klingon or Sindarin (which is an Elvish dialect, by the way).


(Also by the way, I woke up in a blind panic one morning because I couldn't remember then name of the other Elvish dialect.  It's Quenya.)

Most of my friends are strongly supportive of having the ceremony in Sindarin, but I disagree.  Sindarin is for starry eyed dreamers who still think the world is a magical place, and marriage is sweetness and light.

I have no such illusions.  I think in my case, The Black Speech of Mordor is entirely appropriate. 

Anyway, with that in mind, I decided to tweak my personals add just a bit. Keep in mind, it's still a work in progress.

Sherlocked Browncoated Whovian Trekkie Hobbit seeks mad man in a blue box for daring adventures in time, space, and Middle Earth.

Hobbies include reading, knitting, randomly quoting poetry at inappropriate times, attempting to bring archaic words back into the current vernacular, memorizing weird stuff, and running in slow motion while singing the theme to Chariots of Fire.

Must be self sufficient, have bigger on the inside technology, and a gun named Vera.

No Potterheads, please, unless you have a sailboat.  

Um, yeah, I won't have to clean out my closet just yet.

Men These Days

Dear Facebook, 

No, as a matter of fact I am not have any trouble meeting young black men, or old white men, or firefighters, cowboys, soldiers, or any other kind of men, but thank you for asking.

I don't really date much any more.  OK, I don't really date at all any more, but let me tell you, things sure have changed since I was young.  Men no longer pursue women like they used to.  There is no courting, no attempts to win a girl's heart, no treating you like you're a priceless treasure. 

No, these days men just get up in your face and are all like, "Here I am, love me!"  I guess you're supposed to love them for just showing up. 

Sorry, Bubba.  Real life doesn't hand out participation trophies. 

I've actually had men I barely know just walk up to me an announce that they are coming home with me.  More than one, and no, not a one of them has ever seen the inside of my house.   But that's not the point.  There was no attempt to seduce me.  No attempt to woo me, or to make me feel special.  They acted like they were doing me a favor by bestowing their attention on me.

I've had others-- again, men I barely know-- walk up seemingly out of the blue and demand that I buy them stuff.  Why?  To prove to them where my heart was.  To prove that I loved them.  But what had they done to win my heart in the first place?  What had they done to win my love? 

A couple of years ago, I had coworker who claimed to love me so much.  He said he was going to bring me something for my birthday.  And do you know what that something was?  He gave me a list of things he wanted me to buy him from the lumber yard.  Yes, that was my gift.  The chance to prove I loved him by buying him a $100 worth of lumber.  That was what I got for my birthday that year.

Seriously. 

What gets me is that he couldn't understand why I wadded that list up and threw it back into his face.  He couldn't figure out why I got so mad about it. 

Needless to say, that was the end of that. 

On the off chance that you do find someone you can stand longer than a week or two, right away, he's wanting to move in with you, so you can prove your love supporting him completely.  If you are stupid enough to let one move in with you, he's going to quit his job --if he even has one-- prop his feet up in front of the TV and expect you to fix him a snack after you've spent 10 hours working in a factory to support his lazy bum. 

Yeah, that's not going to happen. 

Back in the mid 90s, when I still thought I wanted to maybe someday get married again, I read a book called For Women Only, by Shauti Feldhan.  In this book, the author had surveyed thousands of men to find out what they really feel and think. 

There is a chapter all about how men feel this tremendous burden to provide for their women.  Frankly, I don't know where she found these men, but she sure didn't survey any of the ones I've ever known.  Every man I've gone out with in the last 25 years-- and yes, that includes the one I married-- has expected me to completely bear the financial burden of the relationship.  This is why none of my relationships ever lasted long enough to make the front page of the gossip column. 

And it's not just the ones I've gone out with.  Several years ago, there was a man who worked at the plant.  I don't remember his name.  I don't know if I ever knew his name.  He quit not long after I started.  Anyway, I was in the break room one day and he was in there, too.  I overheard him complaining about his wife, and how she wasn't making enough money.  He said he was going to give her an ultimatum to either get a better paying job or he was going to leave her.  I don't know what happened in that situation, but I hope she did divorce him.  That ain't no kind of man.  He sure didn't feel the burden of supporting her, that's for sure. 

To me, the saddest part of it all is that young women and girls are growing up believing that this kind of behavior from men is normal and right.  They have no idea what a real man is supposed to be.  They have no idea what a real man is supposed to be or how he should treat them. 

They have no idea that a real man should be a protector and a provider, and he should treat them like a princess.  They have no idea that he should at least think they are worth his putting in a little effort to win their hearts.  I don't want to go into they whys and wearwithalls, but that's the way it is these days.  These girls don't know how precious they are, so they subjugate themselves to these whiny, spoiled, selfish overgrown babies who want mommies, not wives. 

People often tell me that I'm too picky when it comes to men.  That I should lower my standards, and just take whatever I can get.  But you know what? I'm not going to do that.  I'm not going to settle for a man who treats me like dirt just so I can have a man in my life. 

Somewhere out there is a knight in battle tested armor searching for his princess.

Searching for me. 

Someday he will find me.  But if he doesn't, if I'm one of the ones God has called to be single, I'm OK with that, too. 

Because I've learned to be content with my life.  And I've learned that I am the daughter of the Most High God, and he wants the absolute best for me. 


If that includes a man in my life, or if it doesn't, I will continue to trust his plan for my life. 

On Christ the solid rock I'll stand.

All other ground is sinking sand.

All other ground is sinking sand.   

Relationships

I work with a lady. She is 35 and fairly recently divorced. Well, within the last couple or three years. She had three sons, the oldest of which is Cody's age--13, and she still wears a size 2 jean. Sigh-- But that's not what I'm here to talk about. Her boyfriend is 19. They are very much in love and even talking about getting married.

Now, I'm not going to be one of those snooty know-it-alls and say that they shouldn't, that she is robbing the cradle, that they couldn't possibly really be in love due to the age difference, that their relationship is just wrong. No, if that is what they want, then I'm happy for them.

It's just not what I want.

The experience, the wisdom, the depth of character that comes with age--you just can't find that in a teenager.