An Unusual Malady

I suffer from a most unusual malady. I suppose others have this same affliction, but it is something nobody talks about. Those of us who suffer from this malady do so in silence. But I am here to break the silence today and announce to the world that I am afflicted with:

Seminar Anxiety

That's right. I suffer from seminar anxiety. I get anxious when I go to karate seminars. My knees get week, my palms get sweaty, my heart rate and breathing both increase, and my bowels loosen. Ok, you may not have wanted to hear that last part, but it's what happens when I get nervous. While others get excited about seminars and look forward to going, I dread them and try to find any excuse I can to get out of them.

It all goes back to my very first seminar, when I was but a yellow belt. From the very beginning, I'd felt that sensei was advancing me too fast. It isn't just me, either. Every other serious student I've talked to has felt the same way. I was promoted to yellow belt after only two months of training. That is fast, even by our dojo standards. It usually takes 4-5 months of training to make yellow.

A couple of weeks later, the Greenville dojo hosted a seminar. Sensei felt it would be beneficial for me to go, so I went. The first thing we did after bowing in was run through the basics. They did them differently than we do, and I was totally lost. I couldn't even do the basics right. The other two yellow belts in attendance didn't seem to have any trouble with them, but I couldn't do them. Mr Finn, who was leading them, turned and gave me a look that plainly said, "What the *&^^ are you doing with a yellow belt if you can't even do the basics?"

I was mortified. I felt like I'd shamed my sensei and myself. I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like I had no right to wear my belt. As soon as I could, I went and sat down and didn't participate any more.

By the next year, I was a purple belt. I went to the seminar only because sensei was testing for his 4th degree black belt. I actually did dress out, but before the seminar even started, I lost my nerve and took off my gi. I didn't participate at all.

A year later, I was a ni-kyu--or second grade brown. I went to a seminar in Oxford hosted by the Ol' Miss Karate Club. About halfway through, they decided they wanted to do all the kata together as a group. When we got to kata I didn't know, I stepped off the floor, which is how we do it in my dojo. Other students were doing the same thing, so I didn't think anything of it. However, when he got to the last kata, the guest instructor spotted me and began publicly berating me for not knowing that kata. When he realized that I was only a brown belt, he stopped criticizing me, but he never apologized to me for humiliating me like that. That was two years ago. That was the last seminar I ever attended.

Next month, Barrett and Josh will be testing for their black belts. After the test, there will be a black belts only seminar. Sensei says I need to go to it. Larry Dreher is really excited about it. Everyone seems to be looking forward to it. Not me.

I'm dreading it.
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