Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day Conundrum

I know that some of you might know a bit about my past, but for those of you who don't know, Cody was born in Italy, while I was in the Navy. The last time I saw his father was the day before he was born.

I met him while we were both stationed there. Just before we were married, he got transferred back Stateside. I'd wanted to postpone the wedding until we could be together for good, but I let him talk me out of it. He told me it was just a temporary transfer, that he'd be back in 8-12 weeks. We went ahead and got married as planned, and after a brief honeymoon, I went back to Italy.

Time passed, and I began asking him when he would be back, and he's always have an excuse. A few more weeks, he kept telling me. Finally, July came, and he still wasn't back. It had been more than 6 months by then. I asked one more time when he was supposed to be coming back, and he began yelling at me, telling me he wasn't coming back, that it had been a permanent transfer and that I had known that.

So that's why I was pregnant, in Italy, and alone. A week before Cody was born, he flew over to where I was stationed. I thought he was coming to be there when his son was born, but really he came to tell me he wanted a divorce. He'd just gotten married too young, he said. He didn't like married life, he said. He wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a father. He didn't think he could afford to support us, so he was leaving us on our own. "But don't feel bad, you didn't do anything wrong," he said.

That Tuesday, the day before he left, I went into labor. I asked him if he would stay one more day, and he refused, lying to me again. He'd said that the plane tickets he bought were non refundable, which they weren't. I know. I bought them for him. I knew he was lying, but I didn't argue. The next morning, he left, and Cody was born that night.

Cody has never met his father. When he left, he made it clear that he wanted nothing more to do with either of us. He even agreed to have his parental rights terminated. In fact, for the first year or so, he wouldn't even acknowledge that Cody was his. I haven't seen him in nearly 16 years. I haven't heard from him at all in 15 years.

Last week, out of the blue, without provocation, I got a facebook friend request from him.

Now that Cody is nearly grown, now that the expense and responsibility of raising him is nearly done, he suddenly wants to swoop back in and be wonder dad. It kinda makes me mad. He wasn't there when the boy had chickenpox or the flu. He wasn't there when the boy came home from school in tears from being bullied so much. He wasn't there when I was struggling to feed and clothe the boy. He wasn't there when the boy was getting in trouble in school, and getting kicked off the bus. He wasn't there to stop the boy's nosebleeds, or rush him to the emergency room after a bee sting. He wasn't there to teach the boy to hit a baseball, or throw a football, or do a layup. He wasn't there to take the boy fishing, or to kill his first deer.

He wasn't there to take the burden of financial responsibility so I could be there for the boy.

Now that the task of raising the boy is close to being done, now that the boy is only 2 1/2 years away from being an adult, he wants to suddenly show up and be a dad. Ok, I can deal with that. I may not like it, but I can deal with it.

But why is he sending ME a friend request?

5 comments:

Steve said...

Don't you dare accept it. He'll have access to everything you posted and everything you will post - especially if it's one of those friendship requests that doesn't include any comment or note!

I will never, ever get why some guys don't get the joy of fatherhood and responsibility. Consider this your day too, in addition to Mother's Day!

Lizzie Woolley said...

Hey, I want to become friends with you on facebook.

Bag Blog said...

I totally understand your feelings. But I have known kids whose fathers were drunks, druggies, abusive, etc. and still those kids wanted that father in their life. This may be difficult for Cody. I'm not saying you should let this man into your lives, but do watch Cody for his feelings and thoughts.

Becky G said...

Steve, of course, the flip side to that is that I will have access to everything HE posts, too. But I don't post anything truly personal, or that I wouldn't want to be public knowledge on facebook anyway.

As to your second comment, I wish I knew. I wish I knew what answer to give my son when he asks "Why did my daddy run away?"

Lizzie, just send me a friend request! Let me know it's you, and I'll approve you. I'm Becky Gunstream over there.

Lou, Cody has said he wants to meet him, and he is the one who initiated contact, but he doesn't seem overly concerned about it. After his failed attempt to meet his dad at Disneyworld, he was kind of like "oh well." I think he knows he'll get his chance eventually, and I think he understands that I want him to be grown enough to handle himself when he finally does get to meet his dad.

Patch said...

I think you need to treat ex the way he treated you and Cody 16 years ago.