Dear Illegal Alien,
It has come to my attention that you are demanding that we turn over certain parts of the United States to you, since it is your claim that we "stole" the land from you in the first place. We will discuss the hypocrisy of that statement at a later date.
See, here is the thing, New Mexico and Arizona were bought and paid for ($15 million, Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, 1848; $10 million, Gadsden purchase, 1854 ). We have a receipt. So you are not getting them back. Perhaps you think the deal was unfair. If that is the case, you shouldn't have agreed to it, but you did. The contract is binding, so we're keeping them.
You're not getting Texas back either. Texas fought for, and won her independence, just as Mexico won her independence from Spain. After 11 years as an independent republic, Texas voluntarily joined the Untied States. There was no war. There was no conquest. It was a mutual decision benefiting both parties. Funny thing is, Texas did not want to leave Mexico at the time. She just wanted the Mexican government to honor the treaty of 1824, which it would not do. So you have only yourselves to blame for that one. Even so, if you were to insist that Texas be returned to you, it is only fair that you return the whole of Mexico to Spain. What's good for the goose, well, you know.
That pretty much leaves you with Southern California, which, face it, we don't really want anyway. We will be happy to turn that back over to you, but there are a few things you should be aware of. First, if we do return Southern California to Mexico, it would no longer be a part of the United States of America, and as such, there will be a few things you will be required to forfeit.
In addition to any Constitutional rights you may imagine yourself to have, and the freedoms that come from living in a Constitutional Republic such as the United States, you will no longer receive the following.
1. Your monthly welfare check--heretofore funded by the American taxpayer
2. Your food stamps--heretofore funded by the American taxpayer
3. Your low rent housing--heretofore subsidized by the American taxpayer
4. Your government vehicle allowance--heretofore subsidized by the American taxpayer
5. Your free public education--heretofore provided to your children by the American taxpayer
6. Your free health care--heretofore funded by the American citizen, who has to pay increasing health care costs to cover your lack of payment.
7. The under the table jobs, upon which you pay no taxes, provided to the few of you who actually bother to work by American capitalists.
So, there you have it. Enjoy your life in North Mexico, and don't even think about crossing our border again. You see, since your President Calderone has criticized our immigration laws, we've decided to dispense with them. In their place, we will be adopting new laws very similar to your own country of Mexico's immigration laws, which as you well know, are much stricter, and will allow us to shoot you on sight.
But look on the bright side. We will let you have Ahnold.
An American Citizen