Before I went into the Navy, I worked a couple of years at Wal-mart. For part of that time, there was this guy who also worked there. His name was Tony. I liked him, and for a while I thought he liked me. Looking back now, though, I'm not so sure.
Anyway, one afternoon some of my cousins got to jawing about who could out hunt who. Naturally, this led to a "prove it" moment, so that night three of my cousins and I went hunting. Now, at that time, and in that state, spotlighting for rabbits was legal. Make sure you check your state and local hunting laws before hunting anything. There was a bumper crop of rabbits that year, and between the 4 of us, we killed 9 of them.
The next day, when I went back to work, Tony asked me what I had done on my day off. I told him, and he said, "Oh, I went rabbit hunting, too. How many did you kill?" I told him, and "NINE???? I've never killed nine rabbits in one night in my life!!!" I pointed out that there were 4 of us hunting, and he said, "Yeah, but NINE!" I said that it wasn't like I'd killed all nine by myself. I'd only killed three. "Yeah, but NINE!" Things got very cool between us for a while.
A few weeks later, my cousin's husband told me that when he was a little boy, he used to kill robins, cook them with rice, and eat them. In retrospect, I think he was pulling my leg, but at the time, I was young enough and naive enough--and let's face it, I didn't want to think he would lie to me like that--so I believed him.
Over the course of a several days, I went out and killed a couple dozen robins, the amount I had been told was needed to make up a good pot of robin and rice. I cleaned them, then carried them over to my Aunt Martha's and asked her to cook them for me. She did, and I ate them. I decided I didn't like robin and rice, and haven't killed any since then. But I'm getting off track...
I had another day off of work, so I decided I'd just stay out in the woods until I'd gotten enough robins to make up my 24. The next day, I went back to work and Tony--who was finally talking to me again--asked me what I'd done on my day off. When I told him, he said, "I went robin hunting, too. How many did you kill?" I told him, and "FIFTEEN?????" he exclaimed. "I've never killed 15 robins in my life!"
"What kind of gun did you use?" I asked, though I'm not sure why.
"A .22 with scope," was his reply.
Now, I don't claim to be an expert on men, and back then I knew even less than I do now, but one thing I do know is when to shut up. I knew then that that was a good moment to shut up. (In the intervening 20 some odd years since this happened, I now know that I probably should have shut up about 2 minutes earlier, but I didn't.) "Oh," was all I said.
"Why?" Tony asked. "What kind of gun did you use?" I didn't want to answer, but Tony was insistent. Finally, I rather reluctantly told him,
"A BB gun."
Do you know, that boy never spoke to me again.
I lost a friend that day, but I gained something more important. I gained knowledge, and what I learned from my encounter with Tony was that men don't want me the way that I am. So for years, I tried to be what I thought a man wanted in a woman. And I never wanted for a boyfriend. Even after I got out of the Navy, the men were still there. The offers were still plentiful.
But then, about 10 years ago, I decided I was tired. Tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. Tired of acting like the bubble-headed, big-boobed bimbo. And let's face it, I wasn't fooling anyone with the boob thing anyway. But most of all, I was tired of dumbing myself down to meet men's expectations. So I quit. I dropped all pretense, and went back to just being me.
In an instant, the dates, the phone calls, the interest just stopped, as quickly and completely as if someone had flipped a switch. I haven't had a date since. But you know what? I'm OK with that. If someone doesn't want me the way I am, then he doesn't deserve to have me.
Maybe, someday, someone will come along and want me. ME. But if that never happens, I'm content with who I am.
And that's all that matters.
5 comments:
I am speecheless ... I have no speech ... A guy stopped talking to you because you killed Robins with a BB gun when he had to use a 22? I think you need to give a non-hunting guy a chance ... if you have the desire to date again! That's just plain weird!
What can I say? Some men just have confidence problems.
My next door neighbor (a woman)came to mind when I read your post. She is a hunter - both bow and gun. She tans hides herself. She likes to fish and anything outdoorsy. She is also a nurse and very creative to boot. Come to think of it, I think I hate her. LOL Just kidding. I have always admired her. She is married with a daughter and just an all around good person. And you are too, Becky. You just haven't found the right guy who will appreciate you for what you are. When he does come around, you'll know and until then, you are right to like yourself just the way you are!
Those MS boys do have their confidence issues. I can see how the BB gun remark would have crushed his tiny little ego, ground it to powder and scattered it to the four winds.
I have to confess that I envy you. Men are high maintenance. Life is much less complicated without them.
MAM, before I had to grow up and be responsible, I spent practically every spare minute out in the woods--hunting, fishing, or just roaming. If I had my druthers, that's where I'd be now, too.
Tabitha, this was before I moved to MS. This was a Texas boy, but he was a Cajun. Very male dominant culture--at least back then.
Men are high maintenance, but I think it would be worth it to have someone to oh, you know--make a living and stuff like that.
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