Dear Coworker

More specifically, Dear Creepy Weirdo,

Don't think for one minute I don't see you leering at me every time you walk by.  Let me save you some time.  

Just give up already. 

Just give up.  You don't have a chance, not even a miniscule one, because I'm telling you right now, you can't handle this.

I'm not talking about my aging body.  No, what you can't handle is what goes on inside my head. 

Oh?  You disagree?  OK, then, here is your task.  

Write a thesis detailing the role Richard III played in the establishment of The United States Of America. 

No, no, no, no, no, wait.  I changed my mind.  Let's go with Henry VIII.  I mean, all Richard III did was die at the battle of Bosworth in 1485, losing the throne to Henry Tudor.  Henry VIII was much more involved, so let's focus on his role instead.

I'll leave the length of your paper up to you, but it should be well thought out and thoroughly researched.  Also, I want this paper sourced and referenced, but I want you to write about your own ideas, and not just give me something you've copied and pasted from the internet.  Finally, be prepared to defend your conclusions in oral arguments in front of a panel of ...one history geek.

That would be me. 

Oh, and you must use correct spelling and grammar.  

Once you've done all that, you still won't have a chance, but at least you'll know what it is you're trying to deal with. You see, these are the kinds of things I do for fun.  It's how I keep my mind occupied while working at my no-brainer job.  Sometimes, I even do it in French. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, The Bard is calling and I must go.  That's Shakespeare, by the way.  You know, just in case you didn't know... 

So, leave me alone.  Seriously. 

Thank you.

That is all.